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RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN:

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that yesterday's gas prices are all Bill Clinton's fault.

2. You have to despise government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

3. You have to believe that government should stay out of peoples' lives, yet you want government to regulate same-sex marriages, ending or not ending pregnancies, and what official language should be spoken by you.

4. You have to believe that pollution is okay, so long as it makes a profit. It is even better if it's in another state.

5. You have to sponsor prayer in public schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

6. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

7. You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations should have no regulations or interference.

8. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and you're certain that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, labor unions, and Hillary Clinton.

9. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 million to attack Clinton because no other U.S. Presidents have ever been unfaithful to their wives.

10. You have to declare that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun is bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for all Americans, even children and felons.

11. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools because, of course, if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

12. You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

13. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading at any age.

14. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more Americans than handguns, alcohol, and tobacco.

15. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the artsfor 5,000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such support.  After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need any.

16. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the  extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

17. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that bastard Bill Clinton should never be forgiven.

18. You have to believe that George W. Bush REALLY won this election.

19. You have to believe that long jail sentences are appropriate for non-violent drug offenders, unless they happen to be Rush Limbaugh.